03/10/25 The Worst Club

March 10, 2025

It’s the tenth anniversary of my dad’s death. It’s funny/not funny how death dates sneak up on you as the years pass. Birthdays I’ve got burned into my mind. I start thinking about them days before - how my person is no longer here, and how I’ll be happy they were born, but also a little melancholy they’re gone. Death dates are different. I don’t have them calendared. It’s not something I necessarily want to remember, but they’ll come every year whether I want them to or not. My dad had a stroke on February 28, 2015. He was in a coma until March 10, 2015 when I took him off of life support. People say, “That must have been so hard for you!” It wasn’t. It wasn’t my decision - it was his. He had a DNR, but my mom (Alzheimer’s) didn’t remember. I’ll forever be grateful for that. Even though the next several days sucked out loud, I had the gift of holding his hand when he took his last breath.

I’m in Crimes of the Heart at The Wimberley Players right now. Old Granddaddy has a stroke (several, actually) and goes into a coma. He’s never seen onstage - only referenced -  and there’s a scene where two of his granddaughters have gone to see him in the hospital after his supposed final stroke. He’s in a coma - they’ve been up all night, and having to tell people he’s in a coma and not expected to live strikes them as funny. They’re not laughing that he’s in a coma. They’re laughing out of exhaustion - and a comment from another character. We must have been about two or three weeks into rehearsals when I watched that scene and went, “Oh fuck. That’s me.” I can’t say I don’t understand. It’s a little like being punch-drunk. I just didn’t have anyone to laugh with. My mom was full-on in an Alzheimer’s meltdown, and being an only child, I was essentially alone. That said, these actresses are masterful at this scene, and it always makes me laugh even though the subject itself isn’t funny. Weirdly, it gives me peace.

I miss my dad. And my mom. Every day. I wasn’t first pick for this character, but I think this falls under “everything happens for a reason”. This is the first stage show I’ve auditioned for & performed in 15+ years. I didn’t know how much I needed it or how healing it would be. Being able to bring my character to life in a show that deals with some heavy subjects, but also deals with them in a real-life funny way has lightened my heart and life in a way I didn’t know was possible. I’m so incredibly grateful to have been gifted this opportunity.

Yeah, yeah - I’m still working on my book. It’s taking me a lot longer than I anticipated. Losing someone - someone you loved so deeply that it feels like part of your soul has been sucked out of your body - it takes a minute to realize you’ve been inducted into the Worst Club to be a part of. But…

None of Us Get Out of Here Alive