2025.03.22 The Hangover

March 22, 2025

It’s been six days since we closed Crimes of the Heart at The Wimberley Players. I have a post-production hangover. I hadn’t done live theatre in over 15 years, and this reignited a creative part of me I didn’t realize was missing. It brought peace to my soul after losing both of my parents and allowed me to laugh at the absurdity of it all - this life. There are so many beautiful parts, and there are so many parts that are simply ridiculous. 

I’m pretty vocal about my depression - I’ve been on meds for many years. Recently, I decided to taper off under my doctor’s supervision. I wanted to “feel my feelings”. Turns out, I feel my feelings just fine on meds, and not being on meds is not a good idea. It’s a very bad idea indeed. I won’t go as far as to say I was suicidal, but it was a bumpy road. Brent was a trooper to support me through this. I know it wasn’t easy on him. I thought I could handle it. And I did. But I didn’t handle it well. The best part of my “handling it” was recognizing that I actually couldn’t handle it and getting back on meds. I am clinically depressed. I have a chemical imbalance. I feel no shame in taking medication to level me out. I didn’t feel like me off my meds. I felt neurotic. Crazy. Unstable. I gave far fewer fucks off my meds than on them, which is not a great place to be. 

I got back on meds before I auditioned for this show. I felt like me again, which is part of why I auditioned. I wanted to do something I have loved so much in my life! There’s something about doing live theatre - memorizing the lines, connecting with your fellow actors and crew, the excitement/nervousness of walking onstage, and overcoming the inevitable fuck-ups that will happen: forgotten lines, forgetting props, missed marks, set “hiccups”. I still cannot be more grateful that THIS was the cast & crew I got to work with after so many years. We bonded quickly - we were an ensemble - we had each others’ backs. Tysha (our director) fueled all of this. I laughed so hard with these folks that my cheeks and abs ached! On my first entrance, I cross to a cot and sit down to change my stockings. On our final weekend, the cot hit some “turbulence” and dropped as I sat down. My lines flew directly out of my head, so I just improved with, “Goodness gracious, Lenora, what have you been doing on this bed?” in my character’s southern draw. I got a laugh and composed myself so I could move on. Afterward, some of my friends in the audience said, “Was that supposed to happen?” NOPE. But that’s the thrill of performing in front of an audience. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” I suppose? I also cried after our final performance. After working with these folks for 10+ weeks, it felt like finding long-lost family members.

Fake it ‘til you make it. Isn’t that what we sometimes do in life? Especially with depression. There’s that pharma commercial with the people who have the smiley face on a stick - the name has way too many consonants (as they seem to now). But that’s not unlike how I’ve felt at times. “Slap on a smiley face and get out there!” I can say without hesitation that my smiles during and after this show have been 100% genuine. Thank you a million times over for the people who were able to make it out to see the show. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know.

“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” – Rumi

🙏🏼♥️

With love and gratitude,

~ Elle