Purge on a Page

I witnessed something horrific yesterday. I was driving on the 183A north toll road on my way to a friend/client's house for a walkthrough prior to listing it. I was nearly to where the toll road ends, and they're doing a lot of construction. On the right, there's a wide shoulder - as wide as a highway lane. Then it narrows. When you start coming up to where it narrows, there were two metal construction signs - one after the other about ten yards apart. After that, five or six orange construction barrels, then the lane ends and there are concrete barriers. At that point, they're on both sides with no shoulder at all. I was in the right hand land, but there was no one else around me. I looked in my rearview mirror, and I saw a large black SUV driving on the shoulder - like it was a lane. I was going 75ish and it was gaining on me. It was also quickly approaching the metal signs, barrels, and barrier. I kept glancing back - waiting for the driver to move into an actual lane. But he (or she) didn't. I watched as he hit the first metal sign. He didn't swerve. He didn't hit the brakes. It actually seemed like he sped up. He hit the second sign. Then the first barrel. Then the second. All of them. The front of the vehicle was already destroyed - parts of truck and signs and barrels exploding into the air. Then I watched in horror as he crashed into the concrete barrier. I was too far ahead to stop, and there wasn't a safe place to, because no shoulders. I slowed down, shaking, and called 911. I was in Leander, but they couldn't figure it the fuck out and transferred me three times, and all I could think was, "There is a person in a vehicle who is either dead or dying - just get someone the fuck out here!" But I remained calm on the phone. There were also cars coming up behind me - the dispatcher said they were receiving several calls. Even if I had circled around, it would have taken me at least five minutes. I was sure there would be several people on the scene at that point. All of this took a millisecond for me to process in my head - all during my call to 911. And then the gravity of what I had just seen hit me. It threw me into one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. My chest was tight, I couldn't breathe, and then the tears came. ALL of them. I was shaking uncontrollably. I managed to make it to my friend's...where I lost my shit. She was amazing & I'm grateful I was going to her place. When I got home, I had an emergency call with my therapist.

This morning, I had a call with my coach (who is also pretty much a therapist). I have a lot of conflicting emotions: Terror for the person (or persons) in that vehicle. Gratitudes - so many - that it wasn't me, that I wasn't next to or behind them, that no one else was next to them, empathy for whoever came upon it & saw what happened. Guilt & helplessness. Sorrow. Confusion.

I'm still processing this. On the one hand, I'm numb. On the other, I feel like I'm in a snow globe that has been shaken up, just waiting for all of my emotions to settle. And in my head, I have a film reel playing over and over again. I don't know that it will ever stop.

But the symbolism that this event happened in my rearview mirror is not lost on me.