#stayinyourlane 2018/09/05

"Someone else's opinion of you is none of your business."

I'm not sure who coined the phrase (yes, I could search Google. no, I don't feel like it.), but it resonates. I've been working on meditation and manifestation lately - part of which is getting to the root of what's holding me back. I think we all feel "stuck" from time to time, and that usually emanates from fear. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of judgment. As I've been delving into this, I've recognized a pattern in something I've been saying that definitely comes from a fear of judgment. It's in relation to my mom and her mortality. "I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but...."

I went to see Mom yesterday. She was the most lucid she's been in months. We almost had a conversation. She said it was wonderful to see me. She asked what I'd been up to (twice in the span of two minutes, but she asked). She said things around there were "pretty good, but my hip has been bothering me." Then she also told me that she hadn't eaten that day because they didn't have any food. It was 2:30pm. She told me this as she was eating a snack.

Broken record: this disease unequivocally sucks. I told Brent after seeing my mom on the day she was speaking gibberish that I would be surprised if she made it to the end of the year. But the truth is, she could be like this for the next ten. I don't want that. I don't want that for her. I don't want that for me. It's fucking exhausting - physically, emotionally, mentally.

And this is where my fear of judgment comes in. "I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but...." The end of that sentence varies, but it's always a nicer version of, "I hope she dies." Do I wish my mom dead? Of course not. But I do wish her a release from this shell of a body. And even though I love these few and far between moments of clarity and lucidity, they're fleeting. I wish her relief. I wish her peace.

By saying, "I feel like a horrible person...," I get to judge myself before someone else can. Before they can look shocked and appalled at what has just come out of my mouth. And then it's like the rest of it is "understood".

But here's the deal: she's MY mom. I'm the one who's there for her. I'm the one advocating for her. I'm the one caring for her. I'm the one loving her. And I'm the one missing her. The honest to God truth is that I do NOT want to watch her dissolve before my eyes. I do not want to watch her lose her ability to speak, to dress herself, to feed herself, to get out of bed until she wastes away. I want her to know that it's okay to let go. I want her to know that I will be okay.

After I visited with Mom for a bit yesterday, I went to do a quick scan of her room. She's still "packing" (for when her parents come get her). But her roommate's bed was stripped and everything was gone. Mom's previous roommate was moved out because Mom was being a bit violent with her.  I met with Mom's care coordinator & asked if Mom had run off another roommate. She told me no - that her roommate had fallen and broken her hip and passed away in the hospital. I said how sorry I was to hear that. When I got to my car, I just sat there and thought about it. I was sorry - for her family. But I couldn't help but feel relief for her. What a blessing for her to be in God's hands and free from pain and confusion.

So here's my new truth: I don't feel like a horrible person for stating what I truly feel, and I won't make excuses for it. I also don't have to explain myself. Look shocked. Look appalled. How you feel about how I feel is none of my business. This is my path, and I'm walking it the best way I know how.

You stay in your lane, and I'll stay in mine.

❤️