Swiss Cheese with a side of COVID 2020/08/29

February 2020. That's the last time I saw my mom in person. I got sick mid-February and didn't want to risk giving her the "bug" I had. At this point, I'm pretty sure it was COVID. I was super sick for two weeks. No fever, but I was totally fatigued and my lungs felt like they were full of gunk. I couldn't sleep - anytime I would lie down I would start coughing. Even after I "recovered", my cough lingered. After a month, I went to my doctor. She said I had bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and steroids. My cough lasted for another month. I told Brent repeatedly I felt like couldn't catch a full breath. I've been tested for COVID and for antibodies. Twice. Negative. I think the tests are bullshit.

Cedar Ridge Alzheimer's Special Care Center went on lockdown before the city and state did. They went five full months with no cases of COVID. Then someone was admitted during C-19. She was tested when admitted and was negative. Then her family decided to move to CA and take her with them. She was tested before being admitted to the new facility in CA and tested positive. Per the CDC, all residents and employees at Cedar Ridge were tested. Four residents and four employees tested positive. They were all asymptomatic. The residents were put in an isolated wing and the employees quarantined at home. Since then, more residents and employees have tested positive. Some of the residents have been hospitalized - I don't know the outcome.

As of now, all of the residents are quarantined to their rooms. I'm grateful to Corrie (director) and Kacie (nursing director) for their leadership and attempts to keep all the residents safe. At the same time, my heart aches for all of the residents there - especially the ones who are more coherent than my mom who don't understand why they're stuck in their rooms - not allowed to go outside - not allowed to socialize with their friends there - not allowed to see their families.

I've been able to FaceTime my mom. She doesn't understand it. She doesn't recognize me. But I do it for me - not her. At least I get to lay eyes on her.

Cedar Ridge started Zoom support group meetings. I've finally been able to attend! (If anything good has come from C-19, it's been video calls.) My mom has been there the longest of many of the residents' loved ones in the group. Corrie asked what we would do if (when, because it's inevitable) they got C-19 cases. I told the group I wouldn't move my mom for several reasons. I've moved her three times. They've all been disruptive. She needs a schedule - a pattern - normalcy and familiarity. And where would I move her!? To somewhere else with uncertainty? I'm certainly not capable of caring for her 24/7, which is what she needs. Nope - hard pass. They're doing an amazing job.

So where does that leave us? They've now had several cases of C-19. A few residents have been hospitalized. They've now quarantined all of the residents to their rooms in an effort of contain the spread of the virus. They bring them to the doors of their rooms for hallway visits - sing alongs, bingo, etc. So her brain is Swiss cheese. And now she doesn't even get the ONE thing that was worth living for: human interaction. She's a shell of the person she used to be. A meat shell. And that fucking sucks.

A dear friend of mine's mom passed yesterday. And while I grieve with him, I'm also jealous. She's at peace. That's all I want for my mom. And for me. Peace.