The Face(s) of Depression 2020/01/20

Life is hard, y'all. And I guess you can sometimes chalk it up to "just one of those days", but I'm not okay today. It's my dad's birthday. He's gone. I miss him. But I can't put my finger on it if that's why I'm not feeling okay. I just feel "off". Off like I didn't want to get out of bed. I skipped my workout. I got dressed-ish (leggings and a t-shirt). And I've been sitting at my computer working-ish for most of the day. But I've been phoning it in. I don't want to be here. In this room. In this house. In this city. In this state. In this country. In this world. In this universe. I just want to be floating - where I don't feel sadness, or pain, or rejection, or...anything.

I've gotten a couple of professional gut-punches over the past week. And even though I try to accept everything with grace (which is my word for this year) and humility, it's hard not to take it personally. I legitimately do what I do because I love to help people, so when people I care deeply about don't recognize or appreciate my value, it stings just a bit. Like I said, I try to accept it with grace - it wasn't meant to be - and move on. But it doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt.

Mom. I don't even know where to start. I saw her Friday, and she was like a different person. Edit: She was *like a person*. She smiled, she recognized me, her eyes were clear, her hair was fixed, her skin looked alive and not gray. And I was at the same time happy and disappointed. I want her to feel good for as long as she's on this earth, but I don't want her presence on this earth to be unnecessarily prolonged - if that makes sense. She still struggles to put together a sentence and mostly speaks in gibberish. She still relies 100% on the care of her caregivers at Cedar Ridge. She still only recognizes me a small percentage of the time. But that moment when she looks at me, touches my face, and says, "You're so beautiful, my daughter, " is everything. And I'm gutted again.

I'm sitting here at my desk looking at my 2020 goals tacked to my bulletin board - both personal and professional. Right now, they look fucking insurmountable. My phone rings. I answer, "This is Elle," with a smile in my voice. I revel in the fact that the voice on the other end has zero idea that I've been crying for the past 20 minutes. But that's the face I can put on, and often do. #theatremajor #actress

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."