Trauma, PTSD, and Therapy. #thetrifecta

Car wrecks. I've been in lots of them. For someone who's always been a confident driver, that seems like bullshit. And it is. But they're called "accidents" for a reason. One of them was my fault-ish. I was a sophomore in high school. It was raining and a lady slammed on her brakes and turned left. I slammed on mine, turned the wheel to try to miss her, and hydroplaned right into her. I was probably following too close. It was a fender-bender. We were both fine and minimal damage to either car.

In 1992, I was working for one of those stupid companies that used to advertise in the paper (because we still read them then): "Rock & Roll! Make $500 plus per week!" Sounded like a lot at the time. I got a job selling comedy club tickets door-to-door in business parks. 🙄 On my first day, I got into the car with my supervisor. She drove an RX7. I tried to put on my seatbelt but it wouldn't release. She told me, "Oh, yeah, that never works." I yanked it as hard as I could and it released. I put it on. Less than 20 minutes later, she was driving at about 90mph down I-30. We came up on the car in front of us so fast - they were in the left lane going maybe 55mph. My supervisor slammed on her brakes and tried to miss them. She swerved, we hit the median, then we did at least three spins across the highway and ended up on the righthand shoulder - remarkably without being hit by anyone else. I was wearing my seatbelt. She was not. She broke the windshield with her head. And she broke her front teeth out on the steering wheel. The ambulance took her to the hospital. A co-worker took me home. He actually said, "See ya tomorrow!" when he dropped me off. Ha. I never went back to that fucking place. A few weeks later they mailed me a check for $25.

Next, I was riding in the backseat of a car with some friends - I was working at Alamo, so it was probably around 1999-2000. I was facing my friend Dandi and we were talking. Neither one of us was wearing our seatbelt. A car turned in front of us and we t-boned them. Dandi and I both slammed into the back of the front seats. The guys in the front seats were wearing their seatbelts and the airbags deployed. Bumps, bruises, and sore, but we all walked away.

2005: Donovan and I had gone to the Harvest Moon music festival at Jacob's Well. We camped out - it was freezing & miserable, and the blankets he grabbed smelled like dog. 🤢 I got up early because I was so cold. When he got up, we packed up to hit the road. We were in my '95 Jeep YJ - old school with the steel frame & bumpers - not the plastic shit they all use now. We stopped at Nutty Brown Cafe to see if they were open for breakfast, but they weren't. Donovan jumped back in the Jeep and I headed east on 290. I had just gotten up to "cruising speed" at about 60mph. We were talking when all of a sudden we saw dust kick up on the left side of 290. A car had run onto the shoulder. The driver over-corrected, went perpendicular to the highway, and shot across all five lanes. It all happened so fast - but in slow-motion. I realized Donovan hadn't put his seatbelt back on. I had time to say, "FUCK!" I did not have time to hit my brakes. At all. All I could think was to hold the wheel straight. I knew if I tried to swerve, we would flip, and Donovan likely would have been thrown and killed. I t-boned her at 60mph. My Jeep lifted entirely off the ground then slammed back down. Her car went into the ditch to the right and slammed against a limestone wall. My driver's side took the brunt of the hit and pinned my door shut. Donovan broke his nose on the dashboard and broke the windshield with his head - luckily he was wearing a ball cap. I just remember opening my eyes and holding my hands out in front of me. I had teeny cuts all over my arms, and I was spitting glass out of my mouth. Donovan jumped out of the Jeep instantly. Some drivers behind us came up and pulled me out of the passenger side, and I laid down on the pavement. Paramedics came and took us to the hospital by ambulance. They told us we were lucky I had a 6" lift on my Jeep, because it put us above the force of impact. They said it probably saved our lives. The other driver was unconscious and Care Flighted. The police report sited the cause of the accident as "driver possibly fatigued due to medication for cancer". I visited her once in ICU, but I don't know if she made it.

Brent and I live off of 290 now. I drive it a lot. There's a memorial against one of the limestone walls. I can't remember exactly where the wreck was, but I often wonder if it's for her.

2016 - I had just gotten my Audi a couple of months earlier. I was sitting at a stoplight. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a truck barreling towards me carrying a full trailer of lawn equipment, and I could see the driver looking down - probably at his phone. I saw the look of surprise on his face when he looked up, right before he slammed on his brakes and slammed into the back of me. Jackass.

The Friday of Memorial Day weekend in 2020, I was driving on I-35 in my new 4RUNNER on my way to a walkthrough. Traffic always sucks on I-35. As per the usual, it came to a screeching halt just before downtown. I had just stopped, and once again I could see some jackass behind me going way too fast. I could tell he was going to try to cut off another car in the left lane and whip around me. I could also tell he wasn't going to make it. Sure as shit, he hit me going about 35-40mph. He continued to cut in front of me and exited Cesar Chavez. Thinking he was pulling off somewhere safe so we could exchange info, I followed. Then he sped off, weaving in & out of traffic. He was too far from me when I realized what was happening to get the make & model or any of the license plate. All I knew was it was a bright blue sedan - because of the paint he left on my bumper. My back went into instant spasms, but once again, I was lucky to walk away mostly unscathed. I learned from the detective assigned to my case that there were 66 hit-and-runs that weekend, and roughly 55% of drivers in Austin are uninsured. I will literally go out of my way not to drive on I-35.

I skipped one - saving the "best" for last. December 17th, 2009, I was on my way home from VIVO on 620 in my Nissan Xterra. I was on Research Blvd heading east. As I entered the intersection of Pecan Parkway I had a yellow blinking light. The other direction was blinking red. Then everything went black. A kid ran the red light and t-boned me at 55mph. He hit me, I hit the triangle median for the turn lane, went airborne, hit a car waiting in the turn lane to turn right (completely removing the trunk), then went into the field and hit a giant real estate sign. When I regained consciousness, I remember pulling the visor down to look in the mirror - I felt like my whole face was broken. I was surprised that I only had a burn under my chin from the airbag. I was covered in glass - the impact broke out my back window. My chest hurt. I could see this kid pacing back & forth behind my truck. He had his hands on his head and was saying, "Oh fuck! Oh fuck! This is my fault - I was texting!" I spent most of night in the hospital. I got stitches in my right leg for a puncture wound and was covered in bruises - including a bruised sternum & esophagus, and I ruptured a tendon in my left ankle. But once again, I walked (limped) away. My Guardian Angel clearly works overtime, and I thank God for that.

I was registered for a Half Ironman on my birthday weekend the following November, and I'd be damned before I let that fucking kid take that away from me. I continued to train for it and completed the IronStar Half Ironman. I don't remember my time. I do remember I cried for the last three miles of the run. I was the third to last person to finish and they were breaking down the course, but I crossed the finish line.

In 2016, I had about four inches of tendon removed from my left ankle, my heel broken and two screws put through it to recreate an arch, and my calf muscle snipped so my foot would actually flex with my newly reattached tendon. This was a direct result of that wreck - and my hardheadedness and refusal to let it beat me.

Now I'm facing a new challenge. After being rear ended in 2020, I've developed severe anxiety when in a vehicle. I'm twitchy, and it doesn't matter if I'm the driver or the passenger. Given that I drive for my career, it's a bit of an inconvenience. Brent has been chauffeuring me to some appointments so I can put my head down and not watch what other drivers are doing - or not doing, like paying attention to the road.

Why now? Why after what was a pretty minor wreck, all things considered? That's what I'll now be exploring in intensive EMDR trauma therapy. 'Cause this sucks out loud.

The moral of this story is this: PLEASE for the love of God don't fuck with your phone while you're driving. Or anything else, for that matter. And wear your fucking seatbelt.

TW: photos are graphic.